As John said, the buzz word here is communication.
Keep each other and me informed.
That's why we need someone down there.
l need to go down onto the site. lf l can take two or three...
We can always delay the start of work for a week.
- What a ridiculous idea! - Absurd!
l think we will have a problem because...
l've spoken to the couriers. They say there's no problem.
No, cos they're on motorbikes. We're the biggest contractor.
Let's look into other courier companies. l thought this was sorted out...
- (Man) Hello. - Hi.
- How long have you been there? - About three days.
- You just walked out? - Yes, l have. Yes.
Me, too! About an hour ago. lsn't it wonderful here?
lt's the first time l can really smell everything.
- Could you live off the land? - Plenty of fish.
lt's common land. We could grow fruit and vegetables.
- lt's terrific shelter, the woods. - We could pool our resources.
Some people could make shelters, some could pick berries.
We could build our own community.
And each idea, no matter what, we'd all act upon it.
lf one of us suggested we build a bridge across the river,
then we would build a bridge. See?
Each individual's idea would be completely valid.
- We'd make it completely valid. - That would be chaos.
Concentrate on fruit and vegetables. And the berries.
The thing is, if everybody just comes together.
- Pool our resources! - l'll get some pheasants.
- Fantastic. Anything else? - l can cook.
We could have a shift system.
- And look into tie-dyeing. - l certainly want to...
When l spoke to him, he said everything was sorted.
Well, that's him down to a tee.
- So what other problems...? - Sorry.
Sorry about all that before.
- lt's just that... - Are there any other problems?
(Armando ) We're never satisfied with our surroundings.
He'd Iove to Iive somewhere sunny, but he can't because he's a vampire.
We try brightening up our environment.
My residence has a distinctive pIace name and I made my house stand out.
We aII do our very best to enjoy the IittIe space we have.
lt's lovely. We'll eat on the mini-roundabout.
l suppose we're never entirely happy about where we live.
For example, the countryside is beautiful,
but people always complain.
They say, ''The roads are terrible, there aren't enough buses,
''the nearest shop isn't for miles.''
And yet that's because it's the countryside.
lf it had roads and buses and shops, it would be Manchester.
Do you see? Or are you too off your face on Sheep Dip?
People in inner cities are the same. They always complain.
''Oh, it's so noisy, there are cramped housing conditions,
''the traffic is terrible.'' That's because it's in a city.
lf they had none of those things, it would be Berkshire, which is worse.
l've got a very relaxed attitude towards property, apart from my own.
To stop trespassers wandering over my back garden,
l put down very powerful slug pellets. Oh, hello! Sorry!
lt's a bit of a short cut.
Gets me nearer to my house!
My powerfuI sIug peIIets work a treat,
but I've got to cIear away any dissoIved trespassers.
Not again!
This is terrible.
I'm onIy truIy happy
when I've successfuIIy persuaded other peopIe to keep out!
We had the house broken into...
- When was it? Last April? - March, love.
March.
Someone got into the bedroom, ransacked the place
and they took all my dresses. Nothing else.
Then my daughter rang up and she said she'd seen The Corrs in concert
and she said, ''Mum, the three of them were wearing your dresses.''
- l just thought she was being funny. - (Man) But it kept happening.
(Woman) We were watching telly with Dani Behr...
- 'Welcome to ''Hollywood Direct''.' - (Woman) David said, ''lt's your dress.''
She'd one dress on in Part One and after the interval, another.
(Woman) One of the dresses had a stain from Sunny Delight where l spilled it.
l hadn't washed it yet. l phoned up Dani Behr's people.
l said about the stain and the person on the phone just went,
''Dani loves drinking Sunny Delight. You've no proof!''
Then one day my neighbour came running in.
She said, ''l've just seen Catherine Zeta Jones and Eddie lzzard
''in the park wearing your dresses, just laughing and tumbling.''
So l ran out and l saw them. They turned round and saw me
and disappeared into a thicket. When l got there, they'd gone.
The next day, the police rang and they'd found my dresses.
They were abandoned in a box by the side of the road.
- All dry-cleaned. Beautiful job. - And the dresses on the telly stopped.
l don't know what they're up to, but they are up to something.
Definitely.
(Doorbell rings)
Hello, Hugh! l've got no friends.
Are you increasingly aware of in your in old age?
Hugh, what living hell did you go through in those days?
The war started in 1 939 and l joined the army.
l was stationed in Kensington in 1 941 .
1 942 was my gap year.
l went inter-railing through Europe. lt was very interesting.
Thousands of foreign tourists come here every year
and yet I'm aIways nervous when I ask what they think of us.
We managed to get to Leic...Leicester. Rubbish!
But what wouId make me even more nervous is what my neighbours
think of other peopIe.
(Woman) One of them gets permission to come and Iive in this country
and he sneaks the rest of his famiIy through Customs by swaIIowing them.
He swaIIows his famiIy whoIe,
so they Iive in his stomach off airport food
whiIe he goes through immigration.
Or eIse they hide their famiIies up their arse.
(Woman #2 ) 1 0 years ago we threw oId cake or gIass at the mentaIIy iII.
whenever they waIked by down beIow.
Now you're not aIIowed to. It's poIiticaI correctness gone mad.
(Man) I'm a farmer. The bIacks and Asians we Iet in affects Iambing prices.
(Man #2 ) We used to have red squirreIs
untiI grey squirreIs came from America and took over.
If I ever saw a grey squirreI, I'd kick its two front teeth so hard
they'd fIy out of its arse and stick into the waII.
(Woman #3) It's nonsense to say the poIice are institutionaIIy racist.
You get one or two racist poIicemen, but they're just niggers in the woodpiIe.
(Armando ) I mustn't judge my neighbours.
The most IiberaI of us have prejudices.
lt's a well-known fact that the Dalai Lama loathes the French,
Nelson Mandela can't stand children and Gandhi hated Geordies.
There it is. Tiny little fossilised microbes.
- So there was life on Mars. - Yes, amazing, isn't it?
You think of the old sci-fi with Martians as super-intelligent beings
bent on destroying Planet Earth.
And they were just these tiny little bits of powder.
Still, it is exciting, though, to think...
I've run out of sIug peIIets. Stray oId women are getting into my garden.
This is getting out of hand.
l once heard that the building of the Taj Mahal
was delayed by about 1 00 years
after objections from the neighbours that it would be too beautiful
and they'd be kept awake at night by the sound of people gasping.
The architects agreed to tone it down,
so the Taj Mahal we have now is three times uglier
than the one originally planned.
(Woman) You're new to the viIIage.
(Man) Yes, it appeaIed to us because everyone seems so happy.
(Woman #2 ) You aII Iook so buzzy.
(Woman) You know why? We have a viIIage sniper.
(Gun shot)
- (Woman) This is Gregory from Croatia. - Hello.
(Woman) He goes up on to the roofs and shoots at us with his gun.
(Gun shot)
(Gregory) l will try to shoot in your head.
(Man) Will we know where you are?
No. l sniper.
No, l hide, otherwise l no sniper.
- Of course! - l will try...to kill you.
(Gun shot)
(Man) Since you've come here, Gregory, l feel 1 0 years younger.
(Gun shot)
Quick! Go! Go! Heads down! Go!
(Gun shot)
(Woman) Having a village sniper is the best thing to ever happen to this village.
lt just puts life in perspective.
(Gun shot)
- Will you be at the Christmas lights? - Yes.
- ls...many peoples. - Ah!
ls easy for me. ls good.
(Woman) Dave Lee Travis will be there.
(Woman #2 ) Better behave yourself!
(Gun shot)
- (Gregory) How is your arm? - (Woman) lt's much better, thank you.
Good. l try to shoot you in your eye, but you moved quickly, so...
- (Screaming) - (Gun shot)
(Gregory) All of you...
One day, l will kill...all of you.
(Woman) Your English is coming on so well!
Oh no, thank you.
(Gun shot)
I wouId have parked my car without any probIems, if not for other peopIe.
Shite!
Here we go...
Oh...missed it, missed it.
Oh no. No!
Come on!
Oh. There.
♪ Barcelona... ♪
Oh, yes!
It's aIways a disaster when other peopIe are invoIved.
God!
They'll probably be all right.
I don't know why I'm so afraid of what my neighbours think of me.
They've got nothing to crow about, judging by what it says on the pIaques.
Hugh, how did you get about in those days? What was the transport like?
We went everywhere by Concorde. Lovely planes they were.
We called them ''the crack tubes of death''.
l had someone screaming, ''Fire!'' coming out of my fridge the other day.
l've had the blood flooding down the walls,
the carpets rucking and swearing and all of that,
and every morning there's a blood-stained dagger outside my room.
- Turns out l'm allergic to dairy products. - Right.
l went to the doctor and the doctor says, apparently,
that butter brings me out in ghosts. So...
- How much longer you gonna be, Luca? - No more than five minutes.
You're a Cockney, ain't ya? You'll like this one.
This Cockney, he's dyslexic, and he does all the Cockney rhyming slang,
but he gets it wrong because he's dyslexic, right?
So he says things like, ''Trouble and strife - desks.''
Yeah? Nice one.
What do you mean, a dyslexic Cockney?
lt was just a joke. He gets his rhyming slang wrong.
He says, ''Frog and toad - wife.'' Because he's dyslexic.
lf he wants to give you the finger, he does this.
He shouldn't do that dyslexic business.
Fucking mixing up vowels and diphthongs, mixing them all up.
- No... - (Cockney man) Where does he live?
- lt's just a joke. - (Cockney man) Tell me.
- Well, l don't know. lt could be...Bow. - Bow? Near Bow? By the flats?
- Yeah, it could be... - l know those flats. What's his name?
- l don't know. John, Frank... - Johnny Frankson? l know him.
l'm gonna sort out this syntactic cripple once and for all.
This dirty, no-good, evil, alphabetical fuckpig!
See what happens when you try to make friends with strangers?
That's why we don't bother any more. Our cars teII everyone eIse to stuff off!
''You're not coming in my car. ''
I work on my own from home.
It's OK, but Iast week I sexuaIIy harassed myseIf.
I aIso made a racist remark about myseIf, which I'm not happy about.
But popuIar cuIture caters for peopIe who Iive on their own,
Iike in this soap opera,
where, after eight years, none of the characters know one another.
Just over here.
Mr Dawsons, isn't it stupid that we worry so much about what other people think?
l got your neighbours to write reviews of your life.
Can we stick them up outside your house?
What we'll do is put them up round here, a bit like a theatre, but better.
lt will be reviews not of a play, but of your life. Yeah?
Although people say theatre is like life, they're wrong.
Theatre is an artificial construct that gets in the way of life.
A bit like wanking with chopsticks.
We've got all the craftsmen here.
We'll get the sign writers to stick the signs up and, as people go by,
they can have a better idea of your life.
PhiIIip Dawsons is much happier
not having to wonder what others think of him.
The next step is getting peopIe to open up
without worrying about Iooking fooIish.
l've been a little on edge recently.
You've read about people in America
who go mad in shopping malls with a gun?
- Ssh! - Sorry.
Well...
l've got a gun.
- Everything all right? - Delicious, thank you very much.
- l've got a gun. - Yes, l saw it.
Well?
lt's entirely up to you.
Do it under the table. Do it under the table, there are people here.
Right. l'll shoot close to the leg so it makes less noise.
- Just do it! - Right.
(Burst of gunfire )
Eat this, everyone.
Here it comes.
- (Shooting continues) - l'm going to give you all some more.
Want to have another?
This is my payback.
Take it all.
(Gunfire stops)
Well, l hope you feel very ashamed of yourself.
Mmm. l fancy a pudding. What about you?
Do you think that's wise?
No, you're right. l think l should have a decaffeinated espresso.
We're graduaIIy retreating from each other.
- Darling... - Don't!
We desperateIy want contact with other peopIe,
but onIy so we can teII them to Ieave us aIone.
(American Man) We sent Voyager 1 up in 1 978.
And once it Ieft our soIar system it wouId traveI on indefiniteIy
out to the furthest edges of the gaIaxy.
There was an interest from everybody that there might be inteIIigent Iife there.
And so, 30 years on, we eventuaIIy picked up a return signaI.
Whatever the inteIIigence was that had been encountered by Voyager 1,
it was sending a message back to us.
I was in charge of the decoding operation.
We were the focus of the worId.
Cancel the audio sequencing on this.
- Roger. - (Woman) Go.
Transmission coming through in five...four...three...
two...one...
(American Man) At that time, I expected
a somewhat more invoIved message to be returned to us.
That's the agreed code.
Let me make a few phone calls.
Since none of the inteIIigent Iife out there is worth getting to know,
it's time to make contact with peopIe right next to us.
Today is my birthday. I've decided to take the IocaI fire brigade to Iunch.
Hello. l've booked a table in the name of lannucci and four firemen.
Certainly. This way, please.
Like me, I want you to show your appreciation for others.
- Fiver, mate. - Here you go. Wonderful journey.
As a gesture of our appreciation, we'd really like to buy you a ring.
- You what? - A ring.
- A ring? - A ring, yes. Please.
- lt would mean a lot to us. - Anything you like.
Cheers. Thanks very much.
l always bring the emergency services here.
- How far down is it? - Just on the left. They have diamonds...
Jamie, hold the meeting for 1 5 minutes.
What's your favourite kind of fire? An electrical fire or a soot explosion?
- Anything there that you like? - A couple there.
The Muslim writing's lovely. You don't have to be a Muslim.
Has Delia Smith ever had a chip pan fire?
l'd imagine so.
- We'd like that engraved, please. - Certainly.
- What's your name? - Patrick.
''To Patrick. Thanks for the journey.''
Ladies and gentlemen, among our diners this lunchtime are four firemen.
l'd like to take this opportunity to thank them for all the fires they've put out
and to wish them all the best in the future,
and hope they don't get burned.
Could you all stand and raise your glasses as we toast,
if you pardon the expression, the firemen.
The firemen!
- OK, Patrick. No ticket. - Thanks very much.
Make an effort to Iet peopIe know what you're Iike.
This is our surprise birthday party for you
to say thank you for being a good friend for us.
- OK? Hip, hip... - (All) Hooray!
- Hip... - Hooray!
- And hip... - Hooray!
Armando, here's a bra for you to wear. lt's funny.
Oh. Thanks very much.
- Good. How much is it for all this? - Oh...
- lt's 75 pounds. - Very reasonable. lt's been good.
Hang on. lt said you would give me
a pair of false plastic breasts - that's a bra.
- Oh, you know, it's the same. - lt's the same. OK.
Er...the cake?
Oh, there's a cake. With many candles, as many as you want.
- Thanks a lot. Thank you... - Oh!
♪ And happy birthday to you, Armando. ♪
- Thanks. - OK, lgor, pronto.
(Armando ) Sorry, l'm 36.
Oh, it's just piece of paper. lt doesn't matter.
Your age is in your heart, not on paper.
Are you saying l'm 37 in my heart?
No, you're 36 in your heart
l'm physically 36 as well.
l'm 36 in my shirt and in my trousers.
Of course. So you're not 37.
lt's only paper.
l won't take you to the Small Claims Court.
But if you book someone to give you a surprise birthday party,
you'd think some thought would go into getting the age right.